Poems

I can recall a poem when I was younger that has always made me feel like it was just about me and how I felt. I cannot seem to find the poem anymore...so here is my attempt at a poem about me and how I REALLY feel.

WALLS

There is a smile upon her face,
as she lives her life so full of grace.
Her laughter sincere,
she has no fear.

Her life is full and happy too;
sometimes I want to be just like you.
She has so many friends;
and a hand to lend.

But no one knows the truth she feels;
her insides are broken and need to heal.
She has a wall built up so high;
her laughter and smiles are mostly a lie.

She's drowning alone;
and nothing feels like home.
No matter how hard she tries;
most nights she lays there and cries.

So why is it that her smiles are fake;
is this the life she wants to take.
How can she put on that smile everyday;
when inside she feels herself drift away.

So when you see that little smile;
think about her for awhile.
Does she need you? Do you know?
She's drowning inside; with no where to go.

Letters to Friends

Here is a section of letters to my friends in my life. If your name is not here I am sorry but its because I either haven't know you for very long, we haven't had problems, or we just haven't had the chance to truly know each other yet.

Dear Ashlee,
First of all thank you so much for being an AMAZING friend and someone I can always count on. I can remember the first message you sent me, the first time we met, and the first day we actually hung out together. You have carried me thru so much and I could not imagine my life without you. You have always supported me with every decision, mistake, gossip, tears, and so much more. We have had babies together and moved away from one another. Yet, I always know I can call or text when I really need someone and you are ALAWAYS there for me. I love you and your little family will all my heart, and I look forward to many many years of friendship with you. One day we will take a Vacay together :) Love you.

Dear Cortney,
Girl first of all love you and miss you. We have been friends for many many years. We have gone through times of being so-so friends, close friends, and now best-friends. We have done so much together good and crazy lol. Even though we had our years apart, we are still as close as ever and I know I can always count on you to put a smile on my face. I have seen us both go thru so much together and I look forward to many more crazy nights, egg fights, and donuts in parking lots. You my crazy, fun go to kind of friend and I love you for that.

Dear Brittany,
Your another one of my friends for many many years. I have known you the longest of all my friends, and I can still remember the good times when we were little, when we were teenagers, before we had babies, and as mothers and wives. You have always been the someone who his honest with me, sincere, and someone I can always count on to help me see the good and bad about a situation. You know everything about me, and you still stand by my side. I know if it ever came down to it you have always had my back. I know we have had a rough moments, and I am sorry for not always being the friend you deserved. But I can honestly say I miss you unexpected play dates, girls night outs, and just straight up fun times. I love you girl, and hope we can stay close FOREVER.

Dear Ashley D,
First of all I am so happy that your family is complete and your finally getting the true happiness and full life that you have always deserved. We have been friends for many many years, and we have been through so much together. You have been there to help me when my marriage was crumbling, when boys broke my hearts, and when I needed time out to have fun and be a fun-loving girl again. We have had babies together, and grown close for many many years. I am so sorry that we don't get to talk as much, and I promise that will change. No matter what know I always love you and I will always be here for you and your family. Thank you for being here for me and letting me witness so many special occasions in your life.

Dear Laura,
I know that they years and distance have not been good to our friendship, and I am truly sorry for not being there for you when you need me. We had such a wonderful friendship in High School, and you where my ultimate best friend in Colorado. Of all people, you have helped me through so much in a positive way and helped make the best of any situation I have had issues with. I have watched you go through so much, and I am beyond proud of you and the person you have become. I have never seen ANYONE make the sacrifices that you have for a better life for you and the ones you have touched along the way. You are a AMAZING friend, and a all-around awesome person. I truly hope that we will always remain friends, and that one day we can talk all the time and get back to the friendship we used to have and I miss so much. I love you and plan on seeing you next time I am in Colorado.

Dear Stephanie G,
Girl you are truly amazing and an inspiration to me. I cannot imagine going through everything you have had thrown at you, and standing so tall. We have only known each other for 3 years, but you have shown me what it is like to be a strong mother and an amazing friend. We have had our rough spots but you are still someone I love and support and look forward to spending time with, We have personal friendships that some people may not understand and we can support one another in situations that only we can truly grasp. Our daughters brought us together, and I look forward to remaining friends until we die. I am sorry for the lack of contact, and I do plan on making our friendship work and making the changes that are best for our lives. Remember you are a WONDERFUL person and you deserve happiness just like everyone else.

For now, these are the friends that I am writing too, and I hope they understand my letter to each of them comes from the heart, and every ounce of it is truth and love. I miss you all so much and hope that many many many decades from now we are still friends :)

A little about me

Who am I?

Can I really answer that question?

Yes. I can. I am a mother, a wife, a student, a friend, a companion, a daughter, a sister, and a person hiding behind a smile. Thats right you heard me. I am hiding. I hide from my fears, my true feelings, my emotions, my self, my family, and everything else that makes my life what it is today.

I have been through so much in my life and I am sick of it taking over my life TODAY! This is what I have been through, and if you don't want to hear anything negative, sick, hurtful, brutal honest, and depressing then you should LEAVE this blog now. I am not looking for sympathy, compassion, or negativity. I am looking to HEAL my wounds and create better life for ME and ONLY ME.

My Life:
I was separated from my mother for 13 years- and hidden from her so that we could not be reunited.
I was molested by a SICK man, and I will never forgive him for taking my innocence.
I was ridiculed in High School for being a nerd and not wanting to party.
I was treated like an outsider in my own family for not being "blood related."
I was in foster care for 2-3 months.
I was taken for granted by someone who was supposed to be the one person I could count on.
I was brainwashed into thinking that someone could change and that they never hurt me.
I was taken for granted by men in my life and used and left with a broken heart and empty emotions.

BUT THIS WILL NO LONGER CONTROL ME.

I am NOT sorry for those of you reading this and thinking how dare she write this and publish it where anyone can read. I DONT CARE anymore. What happened in my past made me the person I am today. Even though I am ashamed at who I am sometimes, there is other parts of me that I am PROUD of.

1. I am proud that I married Zach.
2. I am proud to have two beautiful daughters that mean the world to me.
3. I am proud that I was able to find my mother in October 2004.
4. I am proud that even though friends and family have hurt me; they can always count on me.
5. I am proud that I am in college.
6. I am proud that I am owning my emotions and making the changes I need to...starting NOW!!!

So this is me...and I hope to still keep whomever is reading this in my life; if not oh well, I am better off without the negativity in my life. So welcome to my story and my everyday emotions.